Chatoyant

2011-12-06T20:00:00.001-08:00

It's a shame when you buy a brand new, really nice, really expensive printer. Only to find out that's it's really just a piece of fucking shit.

2011-12-06T19:59:00.001-08:00

I'm going to start handing out fines to people who still refer to things as epic.

2011-12-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

I love the smell of magazines. If you see me with my nose buried in one, and inhaling deeply. Please don't think any less of me.

2011-12-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

I think it's safe to say when your pee smells like coffee you drank too much of it... I could build a goddamn bridge right now.

2011-12-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

Now I remember why I hate my house windows open. Being able to hear the entire neighborhood. Children screaming, the horrible sounds of someones dog dying. I am going to start a one woman parade and subject my fellow neighbors to the sound of my asshole ripping through the streets.

2011-12-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

just for the record. If I am ever maimed or killed by any kind of animal whether that be a dog or a grizzly bear. Do not have it killed! It was either my dumbass fault for wanting to pet something I shouldn't, or the animals rightful instinct. No animal should have to die because of attacking people. Damn humans thinking they rule this world. Just because we can walk on two legs and use our fingers doesn't make us smarter. My cat is smarter than most people.

2011-12-06T19:50:00.000-08:00

You know what I can't stand? extreme couponer's. Normal people (like me) only want a coupon so I can buy 1 of the item. But instead you guys printed 500 of them because somehow you can justify that you need 500 of something. Some things I can maybe understand (like toilet paper) but shaving cream? is your pubic hair 10 miles long & grow by the minute? c'mon. Women are ridiculous.

2011-12-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief you do not need to make a complete stop to make a turn. Your vehicle will not roll over.

2011-12-06T19:48:00.002-08:00

All day today I have been in a fucking field. Google maps you are a piece of shit.

2011-12-06T19:48:00.001-08:00

There are men walking around with bigger tits than I have. I can't walk around topless so neither should you!

2011-12-06T19:46:00.000-08:00

I think funfetti should be incorporated into more foods.

2011-12-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

watching my boyfriend draw a penis in place of signing his name on the electronic credit/debit card machine makes me both giggly with immaturity, but also question the point of electronic signatures? I suggest everyone try it sometime. Get creative!

2011-12-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

holy shit, who actually shops at rite aid? Their prices are INSANE. I feel like I was just raped for some packaging tape. I'm still a little sore and tender.

2011-12-06T19:43:00.000-08:00

It smells like cow ass outside.

2011-12-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

magine me perfume in left hand, rolled up magazine in another. frantically yelling at the top of my lungs 'DIE YOU SONOFABITCH!' while pummeling the shit out of a spider. This is how I started my morning. What makes this even more terrifying is the fact that it was beside my toilet not a few minutes before I had been sitting there. I almost died. I would have died had I not grown balls out of nowhere to kill it.

2011-12-06T19:40:00.000-08:00

Sundays, you are the turd of the whole week.

2011-12-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

I don't even quite know what a fuckwad is, but eBay employs them.

2011-12-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

2 out of 8 pieces of mail that were in my mailbox actually belong to me. The rest are my neighbors mail. Apparently the mailman is high this morning.

2011-12-06T19:37:00.002-08:00

until today I had no idea what a urinal cake was.

2011-12-06T19:37:00.001-08:00

So yesterday I saw Charles BYOS hauling a wagon of newspapers with a broken wagon wheel screaming for help. I died twice.

2011-12-06T19:36:00.002-08:00

so after digging out an eyelash that was stuck to my eyeball, I then proceed to stab myself in the other eye with my mascara wand. This day is already playing a joke on me. (from April 1st)

2011-12-06T19:36:00.001-08:00

Monday morning drivers are on a suicide mission.

2011-12-06T19:35:00.000-08:00

started using a sample of anti aging serum I got from Sephora. I don't need it now obviously but I wanted to try it out because one day I will. ... fucker costs $98! what is in this shit? melted down toddler skin? I'm thinking Lancome might be behind some cold case child abductions. fuck!

2011-12-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

I think I have a people problem. There are too many that need punched in the face, and I don't have enough fists.

2011-12-06T19:33:00.002-08:00

you know damn well if something as disastrous happened here in the US that we Americans would not be as collected as the Japanese people. We would be shooting bitches in the face for bread & milk. We can't even survive 3 inch snowstorms without clearing every grocery store shelf of the much coveted bread & milk staples.

2011-12-06T19:33:00.001-08:00

eating a rice cake. tastes like crunchy air

2011-12-06T19:31:00.002-08:00

If you were ever curious as to what an asshat actually looked like just seek out anyone employed at best buy.

2011-12-06T19:31:00.001-08:00

Dear Michelle, Hoping you have as little fun as possible this Valentine's Day. Love, Your Period.

2011-12-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

dear godiva, you are worth every overpriced penny.

2011-12-06T19:29:00.002-08:00

The police were just at Giant. Someone was fucking the muffins....or not but that was our conclusion.

2011-12-06T19:29:00.001-08:00

I wish wishes came true.

2011-12-06T19:27:00.002-08:00

telling an old man that his handwriting is as dainty as a ballerina & then walking past his office window doing ballet moves makes me laugh for days. I could not share such amusing and fun times with a raging cuntbag. raging cuntbags are not fun, do not know what fun is, and probably shit porcupine quills which in turn makes their assholes bleed and they become even more of a raging cuntbag.

2011-12-06T19:27:00.001-08:00

I don't like eating the outer edge of things.

2011-12-06T19:26:00.002-08:00

Office jobs are all the same. Boring and a threat to the size of my ass.

2011-12-06T19:26:00.001-08:00

sequins are not sequence! They are fucking SEQUINS! apparently it annoys me when people do this.

2011-12-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

my dog is scared shitless of fireworks. It is 3 o'fucking clock in the afternoon. There is nothing left to celebrate aside from the fact that you're an inconsiderate prick. Congratulations I'm letting my dog shit in your yard later.

2011-12-06T19:23:00.004-08:00

What's one thing you want to do or change this new year? I'm going to put significant effort into not giving a shit.

2011-12-06T19:23:00.003-08:00

I want a gun, not to harm anyone. Just to wave out my car window at people who drive like assholes.

2011-12-06T19:23:00.001-08:00

let us be thankful today that turkeys aren't the ones sitting around a dinner table eating us, and then fighting over who gets to break one of our bones which somehow grants a wish

2011-12-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm dying everytime I eat chipotle. What in the actual fuck do they put in their food? This has passed mere coincidence.

2011-12-06T19:21:00.000-08:00

Satan invented saran wrap, along with various other things which cause me to yell obscene things out loud.

2011-12-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

One of these days the emergency broadcast system isn't going to be a test. Hence why my heart skips a beat whenever I hear one.

2011-12-06T19:19:00.002-08:00

Hummers. They are pointless, including the people who drive them.

2011-12-06T19:19:00.001-08:00

how come when some women squeeze a baby out of their vagina they think they are entitled or some shit to have their man support them & their kid? Back in my day my ass got sent to a babysitter & my mother worked. Help your man out, you're not a fucking princess!

2011-12-06T19:18:00.003-08:00

I think you have a better chance of having a heart attack from eating Mcdonald's then you ever would winning one of their stupid Monopoly prizes.

2011-12-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

I wish days when you had bad cramps it would be perfectly acceptable to walk around with your pants undone.

2011-12-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't it be funny if you could see farts? I can just imagine they would leave your butt and then the air of stank would manifest into some weird shape which would make farting all that much more amusing. I was lmao in the car on the way home thinking about this. Or I don't know fart glitter and confetti? That would be pretty rad

2011-12-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

Jeans shopping is the most miserable thing a woman can be put through.

2011-12-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

Snoring kitties could end terrorism.

2011-12-06T19:13:00.000-08:00

A pickle can make a shitty sandwich less shitier.

2011-12-06T19:12:00.000-08:00

I don't understand how some of the girls I work with make their quota. They walk like they have a box of tampons up their vagina and two boxes up their ass.

2011-12-06T19:11:00.004-08:00

This morning I awoke from a dream about being stabbed with push pins while a group of people sang hymns at the front door.

2011-12-06T19:11:00.003-08:00

my middle finger has a mind of it's own, I sometimes feel like that dude from Idle Hands.

2011-12-06T19:11:00.001-08:00

I wish it were possible to punch people through the computer.

2011-12-06T19:10:00.002-08:00

why do girls think putting a can of mousse/hairspray in their hair until the point it looks wet & crunchy all day is a good thing?

2011-12-06T19:10:00.001-08:00

paper cuts, how can something so small cause so much agony? And they are always on the worst part of your hand/finger that is always bending. UGH!

2011-12-06T19:09:00.002-08:00

being distracted by distracting distractions.

2011-12-06T19:09:00.001-08:00

Peter pumpkin eater was a dildo, who puts their wife in a pumpkin shell? No wonder some men commit domestic violence. Blame mother goose.

2011-12-06T19:08:00.000-08:00

Slavery was never abolished, they're just called maids now.

2011-12-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

If I am walking past your car and I can smell your cologne just by walking by... you have successfully masked your stink with stink, congratulations.

2011-12-06T19:06:00.002-08:00

chatroulette should just be renamed teenypeenyroulette. why is it that men with the smallest junk are the ones who want to show it off so bad? sorry dude, not even a cute gay man is going to want to see your pushpin dick.

2011-12-06T19:06:00.001-08:00

A strand of my hair fell down the back of my panties this morning and was tickling my buttcheek. That ranks high on the list of most horrible feelings ever.

2011-12-06T19:05:00.002-08:00

why do people get decals of their cars makers and slap them across the top of their windshield? I see what kind of car you're driving, I also see a douchebag in the driver's seat. Why not be creative and put something like Masturbatone across your windshield. At least it will make people wonder what you mean instead of the fucking obvious.

2011-12-06T19:05:00.001-08:00

Has John Stewart ever said anything funny?

2011-12-06T19:04:00.002-08:00

...like strippers have feelings! psssh. only feeling they have is feeling dollar bills crinkling between their tits

2011-12-06T19:04:00.001-08:00

I am convinced that adam sandler was born out of his father's vagina.

2011-12-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

screw you ovaries, you are a useless organ. You do nothing but treat me like shit every month.

boyfriend: Yeah!!! screw them, they treat me like shit too sometimes.

2011-12-06T19:02:00.002-08:00

had a laugh while reading this news article. "The names of the victims were not released. Price said they were not
established porn stars."
...established porn stars? Since when did it take skill to stick your dick in gaping vagina? I dunno maybe they consider themselves established when they get their first noncurable std.

2011-12-06T19:02:00.001-08:00

my dad wants to take me shopping. I hope he is prepared for this.

2011-12-06T19:01:00.001-08:00

oh the joy of cutting yourself and not knowing how bad you fucked yourself up until the blood stops running.

2011-12-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

there is sleepy sauce coming through the air vents of my house.

2011-12-06T18:58:00.002-08:00

Having a yard sale is kinda like going to
walmart except the weirdos come to you to shop.

He was wearing RAGGY OVERALLS! I mean what else was more appropriate? I feel bad for not being more of a concerned citizen. He may have had a dirty cooler in the back of his van filled with candy & a tied up little boy

2011-12-06T18:58:00.001-08:00

god of war is confusing the piss out of me. There seems to be puzzle related things involved. I don't like thinking when I'm playing video games, I just want to kill shit.

2011-12-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

If hell exists, I bet every day is a monday.

2011-12-06T18:56:00.002-08:00

I think chocolate pudding cups could end violence. Who wants to punch someone in the face while eating a chocolate pudding cup?

2011-12-06T18:56:00.001-08:00

If you look in your rearview mirror & see a row of 20 cars on your ass, do us all a favor and get the fuck off the road.

2011-12-06T18:55:00.002-08:00

So I hear the doorbell ring and look outside & there's a guy there holding a big bouquet of flowers & I'm thinking 'omg Eric got me flowers for our anniversary!' ....nope. They are for the neighbor lady who isn't home. sonfofabitch.

2011-12-06T18:55:00.001-08:00

flies were put on this earth specifically to annoy the piss out of me.

2011-12-06T18:54:00.002-08:00

what is the purpose of a car alarm? do people actually look around like 'omg someone is trying to break into a car' no. we are thinking turn that fucking thing off you dipshit.

2011-12-06T18:54:00.001-08:00

why do things go wrong when you are home alone? I have a fire alarm beeping like mad that I can't reach to turn off, a scared shitless dog who can't stand the sound of the beeping. I'm soon going to find the largest, heaviest thing in my house and throw it at the ceiling and to hell with the hole it makes.

2011-12-06T18:52:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or are bugs getting bigger?

2011-12-06T18:51:00.002-08:00

I got this comment on my youtube page "Wats up shawty wow u sure is sexy" is that supposed to make me feel good about myself? It actually does the opposite, like I am attracted to guys with bad grammar/spelling issues. My God! Thanks I now feel worse about myself. Who actually addresses women by the term 'shawty'?!?!

2011-12-06T18:51:00.001-08:00

these pants are a size small but my ass is a size large.

2011-12-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

A purring kitty can make a shitty morning not as shitty.

2011-12-06T18:49:00.002-08:00

I hate pooping, why can't it at least be a little enjoyable, like shaped turds. I'd like to poop zoo animals every now & then.

2011-12-06T18:49:00.001-08:00

If this day had balls I would kick them.

2011-12-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

ipad. Sounds like something a woman would slap in her panties every month. Hope it comes with wings & extra absorbency.

2011-12-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

If I had balls, they would be sticking to my legs right now

2011-12-06T18:35:00.004-08:00

reading the news makes me want to punch things

2011-12-06T18:35:00.003-08:00

omg every single day after 9:15 break it smells like thick onions and I wanna barf. who in the fuck thinks eating onions @ 9 in the morning is a good idea?

2011-12-06T18:35:00.001-08:00

I have always wanted to go to an antique store and bring home something haunted.

2011-12-06T18:33:00.002-08:00

I am always reading random newspapers & things @ work laying in the break room & the other day I came across a study that showed men are more turned on by the smell of popcorn then womens perfume. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!?!?! why are there such useless studies? Why don't they do something actually useful instead like finding a cure for cancer?

2011-12-06T18:33:00.001-08:00

I am convinced that Giant sprinkles their bakery muffins with a fine layer of crack

2011-12-06T18:30:00.002-08:00

that show Bridezillas makes me want to kick women in the vagina for being such obnoxious bitchy twats, and it makes me want to kick men in the dick for marrying them.

2011-12-06T18:30:00.001-08:00

when you see a man walking around a store with a pair of womens panties in his hand do you think 'oh he must be getting them for his wife', or 'oh holy shit that man totally wears womens panties'?

2011-12-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

two things that blew me away yesterday. 1. parents who take infants trick or treating. I know damn well you are only doing it for yourself because I sure as hell hope you aren't giving babies chocolate bars & lollipops. 2. mothers dressed up in 'sexy' costumes. I'm sure your child isn't embarrassed by you at all!

2011-12-06T18:25:00.002-08:00

eric: "did you just call the computer chair a dick?"
me: "yes" ...
later on in the evening....
me to eric: "dick"
eric: "I think you officially called everything in the house today a dick"

2011-12-06T18:25:00.001-08:00

what is up with that guy in a relationship with the toaster oven in the Quizno's commercials? I suppose I shouldn't judge for all I know Scott is onto something.

2011-12-06T18:23:00.000-08:00

why do popsicles come on wooden sticks instead of plastic? I hate getting to my last bite and then eating wood flavored ice cream, it ruins the whole experience. :(